This is all well and good when looking at a still photo. But when watching Wrath of the Titans, having never watched Clash of the Titans, I seriously wondered, for a few seconds, if Neeson was playing both Zeus and Hades. This may seem idiotic, but, hear me out.
I had heard awful, awful, horrendous things about Clash of the Titans. So when I saw two Liam Neesons, I thought "Wait, are these movies ridiculously stupid like Scary Movie and just do crazy things and that's why people didn't like the first one?"
As I was wondering this, my friend leaned over and asked, "Are they both Liam Neeson?"
We laughed, even though the answer was a disappointing "No, they're not both Liam Neeson".
But our questions didn't end there.
Director: Jonathan Liebesman
The lamest demigod I've ever watched (that's a knock on the plot, not Sam): Sam Worthington
Zeus: Liam Neeson
Not Liam Neeson: Ralph Fiennes
Clearly not Liam Neeson: Danny Huston
Did he growl a lot or am I making things up?: Edgar Ramirez
I wonder what his pay check was: Bill Nighy
Jack Sparrow for the first 5 minutes he's on screen: Toby Kebbell
Her hair had more of a character arc than most people in the film: Rosamund Pike
Made a lot of really, really, really ugly faces: John Bell
Other questions we asked during the movie:
"Are these the most shabbily dressed gods ever?"
"Did Poseidon just die? Those were his ribs, right?"
"Would a wooden door with cracks in it really protect Worthington from all that Chimera fire?"
"Wait, we just saw Worthington's kid? Then Worthington running for him, the kid, then the Chimera comes crashing through a wall, keeping the two apart? Then the Chimera staring at the kid? Then it breathing fire, then a body on the ground, on fire, then Worthington yelling and desperate. Did the kid just die?"
"Why's the snake-tail taking so long to attack?"
"Why's the snake-tail look like a vagina?"
"When did the Chimera get a spike through its head?"
"Does Sam Worthington not have any special powers? He doesn't seem strong, or fast, or skilled."
"What is all that stuff coming out of the second Chimera's head?"
"Why does he want the Chimera to burn him?"
"Wait, so...the Chimera just exploded in fire? Was that stuff gasoline? Are Chimeras full of gasoline? I missed something, didn't I?"
"Is Worthington's kid dead?"
"Worthington's kid isn't dead?"
"Wait, we just saw Poseidon's burning flesh expose his rib cage, how is he back on Earth?"
"Is that the worst CG you've seen in a movie in a long time?" [referring to the Crumbling Sand god]
"Where was Pegasus stabled? Where do you keep a Pegasus when you're not using it?"
"What's the plural form of Pegasus? Pegai? Pegusee? Pegasusus? Pagasuses? Just pegasus?"
"Why don't pegasus have wing spans appropriate for their body weight? If they're using magic, why do they need wings at all? If they're not using magic, why aren't their wings larger? A horse weighs a lot. Have you ever tried to bench press a horse? It doesn't work. First you need really long arms. Second, they're fucking heavy."
"What's more excessive here, the soldiers getting ready to make absolute war against a guy riding a flying horse, or the camera angles used to portray this battle-prep?"
"Okay, so all the soldiers know who Perseus is? Why were they just about to shoot him out of the air?"
"Did Rosamund just totally brush aside Worthington's admission that Worthington's wife died?"
"Why has the landscape of everywhere been so fucking ugly? Where are these people living and why?
"Wasn't Pike's hair down? When did she put it up?"
"Is Kebbell trying to act like Jack Sparrow?"
"If Kebbell thirsts for the ocean because he's Poseidon's half-son, does Worthington thirst for...lightning?"
"Did they put Kebbell's ass in the background of the frame just to mess with us? Or did they not know they were doing that? It had to be a joke?"
"Are the god weapons burning hands or not? They look fucking hot, but no one is really reacting to it. Are they not hot? Did they explain this in the first movie?"
"Why do the traps take so long to spring? Trip wire....15 seconds....cage closes....15 seconds...cage rises... Why?"
"Aren't the gaps in the cage really...wide? Can't he crawl out?"
"It's too high, he'll die? Couldn't Kebbell have just hung from the bottom of the cage and dropped into their waiting arms?"
"So Cyclopes set these traps? Can you picture a Cyclops tying all the ropes to the trees?
"Why does the Cyclops smell for the girls instead of...looking?"
"The Cyclops was RIGHT on the heels of Worthington, how did Sam get so far ahead?"
"Why does the Cyclopes try crushing Worthington after Worthington's stabbed the Cyclops's hand? Instead of using the good hand to PUSH the sword into your bad hand...wouldn't you...use your good hand to...grab...Worthington?"
"Why was the one trap set at Cyclops height? The bundle of sticks hit the Cyclops in the head, when it was at full-height. Aren't the traps set to catch humans? If they weren't set to catch humans, why was the cage that caught Kebbell so fucking small?"
"Couldn't Worthington fight a Cyclops with the weapon Poseidon wielded? What good is that god damned trident anyway? Is it even powerful? Why'd he use a sword? Then take out the trident when the Cyclops was already on the ground?"
"The last time we saw Zeus, Hades and Ares were chaining him up. Now they're chaining him up again?"
"Zeus's arms are turning to lava. Is that permanent? It looks like the skin is burning away? Can they fix that later?"
"Why is this Hephaestus section boring me so much?"
"Did someone jizz in Zeus's beard?"
"Why was that overhead shot so bad? Ares was almost out of the bottom part of the frame?"
"Ares was just stalking Worthington, then we cut, now we cut back and he's killing someone else? Why is the continuity of this movie so disjointed?"
"ARES JUST HIT WORTHINGTON IN THE CHEST WITH HIS GOD CLUB! And Worthington isn't dead?"
"Oh look, Kebbell is trying to fight with the trident, will it wo---That trident really is shitty, isn't it?"
"I swear Bill Nighy is not playing Hephaestus. It's really Jeff Bridges, right? Right?"
"Hey! Did the trident just sort of work?"
"Why was Hephaestus's staff so weak? It held the door for like...10 seconds...? As far as I'm concerned, Hephaestus is the worst blacksmith ever. I think the girl from A Knight's Tale is much better."
"I think the door would have closed, right?"
"Really, though. Does Worthington have special powers or not? He was just CLUBBED BY A GOD, and he's fine now?"
"I guess Pike's hair fell out of its bun? That's a nice touch to not fix it but leave it. Was someone who made this movie really that smart? Why do I find it so hard to believe that anyone involved in making this movie was smart enough to get this detail right?"
"Labyrinth? Is there going to be a minotaur? Did Hephaestus mention the minotaur? I don't remember it. Why wouldn't he warn them?"
"Is this labyrinth sentient, or are the Good Guys just ALWAYS standing in the right place?????????"
"How can the three of them stop a stone wall that's speeding like a fastball? They would definitely be crushed, right? Or do Worthington and Kebbell have demigod strength?"
"So...what the fuck is happening? The minotaur has the ability to make fake people appear? And it uses this ability to distract potential victims? How many fucking people wander in here? Isn't it a minotaur in a labyrinth? Isn't the labyrinth distracting enough? Isn't the minotaur...like...rampaging and strong? Does it need the finesse of a fake person to confuse victims so it, the minotaur, can get a running start? And wait, how the fuck does a minotaur make fake people appear? And how does it know who to make appear? Is this really happening? I know I'm supposed to suspend disbelief, but...like...what the fuck?"
"Alright, how much time has passed? Because...this minotaur has successfully charged Worthington three times. Flipping him, ramming him into walls. Which means that over the course of the movie, Worthington has been trounced by a minotaur, thrown through a stone wall, CLUBBED BY THE ULTIMATE WEAPON OF THE GOD OF WAR, chased by a cyclops (not that bad, I guess--but tiring nonetheless), and tossed, burned, and wounded by a Chimera. Seriously, does he fucking have special powers or doesn't he? Can he just take a drastic beating? Is he like...the Undertaker? Gets Rock Bottomed, sits up. Peoples' Elbowed, sits up. Tombstoned, sits up. As far as I can tell...the Chimera thing happened, Worthington took off on Pegasus the same day and landed at the camp the same day. He may have stayed over night at the camp? Then the Good Guys sailed, fought the Cyclopes, found Hephaestus and headed out? Which means that, at most...two days have passed? Maybe three? And Worthington isn't...broken?"
"As far as I can tell, the secret to getting through the labyrinth was killing the minotaur. That's what it seems like, right? Why didn't Hephaestus tell them this?"
"Neeson stops Ares from using the lightning bolt weapon to hurt Hades. Why doesn't Ares just say "Fuck it" and use his perfectly working god Club to hurt Hades?"
"Hades and Zeus are falling off a cliff? Can't they fly? I'm pretty sure gods can fly? Can these gods not fly? Didn't Ares just fly to where Worthington and his crew were? Why's my head hurt so much?"
"How small is Tartarus? How did the Good Guys know which direction to go? Didn't they get there really quick? If they had to go through the Labyrinth to get into Tartarus...how did Ares get back in? If Ares can just waltz into Tartarus, why didn't he just go into the Labyrinth?"
"Use his power? WHAT FUCKING POWER DOES PERSEUS HAVE???????????????????????????????"
"The power to crack a rock?"
"So Zeus's arms are totally fine? Of course they are."
"How slow does Kronos move? I get he's big and sort of molten. But is that why he moves slow?" Couldn't he just...fling lava at them?"
"So Zeus can only teleport by knocking two of the weapons together?"
"If the gods are weak because no one is praying to them because no on believes in them, wouldn't dragging Zeus through an army of men...sort of...help? Wouldn't you be like, THIS IS ZEUS, HE NEEDS YOUR PRAYERS? And then Zeus gets super powerful again? Why wasn't he doing this to begin with? If you're weakening because people don't believe in you...wouldn't you...like...launch a marketing campaign? Perform a few miracles?"
"Did the army just use a catapult to launch a fireball at fire-based creatures? And did this just work?"
"Why is that kid making that fucking ugly donkey face?"
"Is it just me or does it seem like the 'suplex' is the most common wrestling move used in movies? You rarely see power bombs, or choke slams, or spine busters, or DDTs, or gorilla press slams. I feel like I see a lot of suplexes?"
"Worthington has been punched by the God of War, twice. After several other hits. And the second punch, across the face, knocked Worthington's head into stones. Stones that Worthington's head broke. Should he be concussed? Or unconscious? Or dead?"
"Would getting hit in the face with a rock really hurt a god? What kind of gods are these? They seem really...weak? Which is fine if that's the world of the movie. I just think it's...not interesting? Like...the gods in Immortals were really cool. I don't think these gods are cool...at all. In fact, if I were Neeson, or Fiennes, I'd be embarrassed. Huston lucked out, his character died right away."
"OKAY. ARES JUST DROVE WORTHINGTON THROUGH THREE STONE PILLARS, HEAD FIRST. HEAD FIRST. Then threw Worthington head first into a giant stone wall? The first pillar was eradicated? And Worthington isn't......dead?"
"How many of those Front-Back warrior creatures are there? A dozen? How many soldiers? It seems like a lot of soldiers have died?"
"Ares just placed Worthington's head on a stone altar and hammer fisted it. Ares is a god. Shouldn't Worthington be......dead? Or demented from brain damage?"
"Did the kid just have to tell Worthington to 'kill him'? Isn't that obvious? Was that helpful?"
"Ares just kicked Worthington in the head, and his head struck a stone altar and cracked the altar. Seriously, is this not ridiculous?"
"WHERE THE FUCK DID HADES COME FROM? Ares stabbed him? Left him for dead? And now he's walking just fine? While Zeus is laid out on the table like it's the start of Prufrock?"
"According to Zeus, the gods aren't dependent on their weapons? They have other power? WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN THIS SHIT?"
"Don't their non-weapon powers seem...oh...like 10000000 times more powerful than their fucking weapons? Why the fuck are they even using the weapons?"
"Wait. What? Worthington should be drooling on himself for the rest of his life and unable to control his limbs, but, instead, he's tackling Ares? Then wrestling with Ares? Then stabbing Ares with a stone knife? Then keeping Ares, THE GOD OF WAR, in a headlock? What about all those sweet powers Zeus and Hades are using? Can't Ares like....use those? Why do these gods suck so much?"
"So Ares is dead, and Worthington is fine? He can walk? He can go fight Kronos? Is his special power just a super thick skull? Do all Demigods have the cranium of Juggernaut?"
[When Kronos sweeps the mountain in order to send debris flying at Zeus and Hades and the rest of the army] "There's a town on the mountain? What?!!!!!!?!?!!? Who the fuck is living there? There's nothing around? It's a wasteland? Why is there this walled city-thing built randomly next to a giant mountain in the middle of no where? You can't farm? There's no water? What the fuck is a city doing there?"
"Kronos just flung lava! I knew he could fling lava! Why didn't he fling lava earlier when Zeus was trying to escape? And how did Worthington NOT just get burnt? Or Pegasus? That was a lot of lava? Some of it would have hit them, right?"
"Why does Zeus have to push Hades out of the way? He's stopping the blast? Can't Hades...help? If Hades can't help, isn't Hades allowed to stand?"
"The father of gods just breathed fire on Worthington and...Worthington's unscathed? As is Pegasus?"
"Since Kronos is a giant lava being, wouldn't flying inside Kronos...kill you? Wouldn't it just be really fucking hot? So humid you couldn't breathe?"
"If Kronos explodes, and Worthington is inside Kronos, how is Worthington okay?"
"Why is Zeus dying? Wouldn't all the soldiers believe in Zeus now? Shouldn't he be gaining some sort of strength?"
"Why does Zeus die and Hades...becomes...mortal?"
"Why hasn't Worthington had an aneurysm?"
"Oh, when did Rosamund have time to fix her hair and make it look nice?"
"How did Worthington get his kid from the temple where the Ares fight took place to the soldiers' camp? Worthington flew directly from the temple to Kronos, right?"
"Why is Worthington's son leaning away from him like he's scared? A few minutes ago the kid looked like a billy goat giving birth because he was upset his dad was going to be killed by Ares, now he has body language like he doesn't like being around his dad?"
"It's really over?? Thank Zeus!"
"Is it just me, or would this movie have been better if Liam Neeson had just played every single role in the film?"
Did I Like It:
Obviously this is a no.
I don't see why it's worth seeing?
I thought the directing was mediocre. Compare the action scenes to almost any other action movie and I think Wrath loses. Perseus is a demigod, but we have no idea what that means. But, as far as I can tell, it means he can get the shit kicked out of him in spectacular ways and be okay?
There's no concept of time.
If the gods from this movie were to fight Tobey Maguire as "Homer Wells" from The Cider House Rules, I don't think anyone would have the advantage?
The reason for the gods being "weaker" is the lack of faith from humans. But...Zeus isn't trying to do anything about this? Isn't he sort of a good guy now? Wouldn't he be doing nice things for people and acting like a good god and getting followers? It just seems...lazy on his part. I don't understand the motivation for just giving up?
And Worthington's brain should have gone super nova at some point during the fight with Ares.
There's not one action or moment or line in this movie I thought was cool.
"Dude, it's a fucking movie, just calm down. It's meant to be entertaining!"
If this is entertaining to you, you should stop spending money on movies and just buy a top. You'll be entertained for the rest of your life.
What It's Good For:
-it gave people jobs?
-a lesson in how not to make a movie
-Liam Neeson doesn't play both Zeus and Hades
-no spectacular moment
-I don't think there's anything that validates this movies existence
% Character / % Actor's personality
-Mythology movies: The Clash of the Titans (1963); Jason and the Argonauts; Immortals; Hercules (Disney)
-Shitty movies that make no sense: Spider-Man 3; Transformers: The Dark of the Moon; Don't Be Afraid of the Dark